For the Love of God, Don't Touch Anything: A Message from the Mushroom Kingdom Board of Tourism

Holy shit!

S...Sorry about that, some dudes just popped out of a hole in the ground and scampered off toward the castle.

Which...which is on fire apparently.

Hope everybody’s all right.

I guess…hmm.

Anywho, I am a representative of the Mushroom Kingdom’s Tourism Board. I represent it mainly because I am also the sole member. When I started the organization, the people of our land laughed at me.

“Who would come here, willingly?” they asked. “Think about what you are trying to do. We don’t even like it here, and we’re human fungi.”

I disagree. I see this as a land with rolling green hills and spectacular sunsets. The weather is never anything but pristine, and the leadership has exemplified continuous stability, despite horrifying threats from both talking dinosaurs and that transvestite that can shoot eggs out of his mouth.

I blame the schools.

There is nothing “asinine” about convincing people to vacation here. Time and time again, we have proven that even those not in leadership positions can step up and perform magnanimous acts of heroism, which is good, because of our complete lack of a military presence, even though we are constantly presented with reasons to procure one.



This is a pie chart I am legally required to post in any and all forms of media produced by the MKTB. It is supposed to make sure that “All prospective tourists to the Mushroom Kingdom are aware of the risks besetting them upon arrival.”

But don’t be fooled; this does not mean that you will die upon entry into our beloved realm. You will find our population most hospitable and eager to please. Our princess, Peach, is more than happy to bake a cake, and when she is not being chained to a boulder or forced into bondage with a beast who merely looks like the biblical devil (He’s not, though), her cooking is an experience in and of itself.

Now, for the unavoidable elephant in the room: the “Bowser” issue.

Is he a dinosaur?

Yes.

Do his minions walk freely throughout the dancing hills and endless deserts of the kingdom?

Absolutely.

Is it true that he at one point stole an entire castle and took it into outer space?

Uh, yeah.

But ask anyone here. He has committed several dozen atrocities against our government, but get this: he has been defeated every single time.

Does this bring up the question, “If he keeps coming back, doesn’t that make him unkillable?”

And the answer is, yes it does.

Consider this, however: The kingdom of Hyrule has been destroyed on occasion, and features zombies, rock-spewing aquatic monsters, and a place (seriously) called “Death Mountain.”

Let's take a quick tour, why don't we, of some of Hyrule's more multifaceted residents:




That's a parasite, a walking nightmare, and giggling scarecrow/pedophile, respectively. And keep in mind Hyrule's got the Military presence to eliminate this kind of thing.

We live in a universe of gross exaggerations, and as far as a vacation spot goes, you could do a lot worse. Countless problems? You bet, but we’ve got a pretty close to perfect performance record.

This year, forget the Grand Canyon or sun-soaked tropical beaches. Give the Mushroom Kingdom a try.

You probably won’t be killed.